3.30.2006
Weekenders.
One of the nice things about living in Shanghai is it's easy to get to Hong Kong (see the phog!) from here, which in turn makes it easy to go to the HK for a few days, which in turns makes it easy to casually drop snotty-sounding lines like "Oh, I'd love to meet you for dinner on Saturday, but I can't--I'm off to Hong Kong for the weekend. Sorry. But do have fun at your … what was it, dinner? I'm sure it will be fabulous."
For example: "Oh, I'd love to make a new blog post for you to read sometime Saturday or Sunday, but I can't--I'm off to Hong Kong for the weekend. Sorry. But do have fun with your … watching Netflix, wasn't it? I’m sure it will be fabulous."
See? That wasn't so hard, was it?
Anyway, as you may have guessed, we are going back to Hong Kong to, as one my friends so succinctly put it after I described our weekend plans to her, "Eat. Shop. Eat." Sounds good to me. I will, of course, let you know how it goes. But not, of course, until Monday or Tuesday. We're going to Hong Kong for the weekend, you see ...
For example: "Oh, I'd love to make a new blog post for you to read sometime Saturday or Sunday, but I can't--I'm off to Hong Kong for the weekend. Sorry. But do have fun with your … watching Netflix, wasn't it? I’m sure it will be fabulous."
See? That wasn't so hard, was it?
Anyway, as you may have guessed, we are going back to Hong Kong to, as one my friends so succinctly put it after I described our weekend plans to her, "Eat. Shop. Eat." Sounds good to me. I will, of course, let you know how it goes. But not, of course, until Monday or Tuesday. We're going to Hong Kong for the weekend, you see ...
Something's fishy ...
Actually, lots of things were fishy. Pretty much everything, as a matter of fact, although a few things were mammaly, reptiliany, or ... insecty, I guess. Why? Because, we were at the ...
Yes, it's a lame intro, but other than making jokes about Aquaman's sexual orientation--that cleft chin, the finely-coifed golden locks, you know what I'm talking about--I couldn’t think of anything else. Whatever--the point is that recently I have been to the Shanghai Ocean Aquarium not once, but twice. At no time during either trip did I figure out why they call it an "Ocean" aquarium, since it's next to a river and has lots of animals that would actually die if put in the ocean, but you say salt water, I say freshwater, etc. etc. etc.
I must confess that, before going, I was a little skeptical about how worthwhile it would be. In fact, I was worried it would be awful, mostly because of some of the things I have seen in terms of animal treatment around here--like, for example, a puppy in a garbage can. (Seriously.) In fact, I half expected the entire aquarium to consist of a few algae-covered fish tanks filled with fish from the river, possibly with some kids either a) trying to grab said fish or b) throwing candy or some shit into the tank, along with maybe a few seals chained to a rock in front of a green, plastic pool in the shape of a turtle that was half-filled with dirty brown water.
Turns out, for the second time in my life--the first time was in the late mid-nineties, when I should have had the chicken--I was wrong: the aquarium was actually very cool. I know, I was surprised, too. It was actually the coolest aquarium I have ever been to. And sure, I've only been to two other aquariums in my life, but it's always nice to be the best. Why was it so cool? Several reasons, the biggest of which were the sharks. Because, let's face it, as long as they are safely behind glass--and even then, it's best if they aren't genetically-mutated super-smart sharks, like in that shitty Samuel L. Jackson movie--and not either trying to munch or actively munching on one of your limbs, sharks are cool.
But besides the sharks, there were a lot of other things that made it cool. Like, for example, a bunch of really big fish tanks full of a bunch of cool fish, like devil rays:
(Side note: Sadly, a lot of the photos aren't that great. Turns out, taking pictures of moving fish in a dark, indoor area is not exactly an ideal photographic environment. Who would have thought?)
It's hard to tell how big the tank is, so I took this picture with my sister in it, who's around 5' 5" or so (that's 1.65 meters or so for some of you):
Here's another big tank, this time with seals in it, none of which were chained to anything or flopping around in dirty, turtle-shaped pools, thankfully. It's completely blurry--seals swim pretty fast, as it turns out--but I think it's cool, and it's my blog, so here it is:
More big tanks:
A big tank full of electric eels. Note that they are not shrieking eels--those are usually found closer to Guilder than Shanghai and they always grow louder when they are about to feed on human flesh--although the resemblance is uncanny:
This was another cool thing: a voltameter that let you keep track of when the eels were ... electrifying, I guess? Anyway, it would flash red and make a chirping sound whenever it detected electricity, which was pretty neat:
Another cool thing--open tanks. Cool because in America, a country that, let's face, has roughly 96.8 percent more lawyers than it needs, no aquarium would ever have this. Some bad parent would let their stupid kid jump into the tank and get an eye infection or something equally meaningless, and the lawsuits would start flying because the aquarium staff did not prevent aforementioned stupid kid from jumping, despite the fact that this should be aforementioned bad parent's responsibility. But maybe that's just me. Anyway, that's one good thing about China--more of a sense of personal responsibility, which is refreshing. Sort of like jumping into this tank would be on a hot day ...
Another open tank. In the background, you can see a crocodile. Or maybe an alligator--I'm not sure which, and I didn't feel like getting close enough to figure it out:
Yet another cool thing: tunnels!
Still more coolness--an escalator that is surrounded by a pool/tank. (Note to self: find synonym for "cool.") Sadly, the swan or whatever it is would not cooperate with my picture-taking by pulling its head out of its ass (well, ass area), but still--pretty KEEN, don't you think? (Thank you, Merriam-Webster's thesaurus!)
Of course, the fish were pretty SWELL too:
Kissing fish!
Big-ass fish! These are Arapaima, which are apparently the biggest fresh-water fish in the world. They can be almost 10 feet long and weigh over 500 pounds. Like I said, big-ass fish:
Big-ass fish with normal-to-smallish ass diver:
A saw fish. GROOVY!
Jellyfish:
March? What march? How come no one told us?
Horseshoe crabs. Is it just me, or are these things freaky? They remind me of the aliens in the Alien movies, which--for the record--are MARVELOUS movies:
Possibly the ugliest animal ever. Ye gods:
Really big swimming cockroach like things. We were talking about how gross it would be to get dumped into a tank of these things, although--while I obviously wouldn't enjoy it--I think you could get dumped into a tank with worse things:
Like, say, these spider crabs. They're big AND look like spiders--so basically, being in the tank with them would be like being surrounded by spiders that have legs that are two-feet long. I mean, it would be better than being in a cave with Shelob, but not much better ...
And now, the big finale--it's actually the last thing in the aquarium---the sharks. Which, of course, is what makes the museum so DANDY:
As with some of the other sections, you are actually in tunnel in the shark-part of the aquarium, so they are swimming all around you:
(Side note: If you pay enough you can, apparently, swim with the sharks. Feel free to make your own joke about the "price" and "arms and/or legs" now.)
Sharks need braces, too, apparently:
Sharks! Sharks! Sharks! Sheila shark saw Sally selling sea shells by the sea shore and snacked silently on Sally but spit out Sally's sea shells onto the sea shore. Would you believe I just made that up?
Q. Two Feet.
A. What is "As close as ever want to get to a live shark."
And that, my friends, is the Shanghai Ocean Aquarium. Pretty HUNKY-DORY, don't you think? In fact, you might even say it's DIVINE, although just saying it's cool is, well, you know ... cooler.
Yes, it's a lame intro, but other than making jokes about Aquaman's sexual orientation--that cleft chin, the finely-coifed golden locks, you know what I'm talking about--I couldn’t think of anything else. Whatever--the point is that recently I have been to the Shanghai Ocean Aquarium not once, but twice. At no time during either trip did I figure out why they call it an "Ocean" aquarium, since it's next to a river and has lots of animals that would actually die if put in the ocean, but you say salt water, I say freshwater, etc. etc. etc.
I must confess that, before going, I was a little skeptical about how worthwhile it would be. In fact, I was worried it would be awful, mostly because of some of the things I have seen in terms of animal treatment around here--like, for example, a puppy in a garbage can. (Seriously.) In fact, I half expected the entire aquarium to consist of a few algae-covered fish tanks filled with fish from the river, possibly with some kids either a) trying to grab said fish or b) throwing candy or some shit into the tank, along with maybe a few seals chained to a rock in front of a green, plastic pool in the shape of a turtle that was half-filled with dirty brown water.
Turns out, for the second time in my life--the first time was in the late mid-nineties, when I should have had the chicken--I was wrong: the aquarium was actually very cool. I know, I was surprised, too. It was actually the coolest aquarium I have ever been to. And sure, I've only been to two other aquariums in my life, but it's always nice to be the best. Why was it so cool? Several reasons, the biggest of which were the sharks. Because, let's face it, as long as they are safely behind glass--and even then, it's best if they aren't genetically-mutated super-smart sharks, like in that shitty Samuel L. Jackson movie--and not either trying to munch or actively munching on one of your limbs, sharks are cool.
But besides the sharks, there were a lot of other things that made it cool. Like, for example, a bunch of really big fish tanks full of a bunch of cool fish, like devil rays:
(Side note: Sadly, a lot of the photos aren't that great. Turns out, taking pictures of moving fish in a dark, indoor area is not exactly an ideal photographic environment. Who would have thought?)
It's hard to tell how big the tank is, so I took this picture with my sister in it, who's around 5' 5" or so (that's 1.65 meters or so for some of you):
Here's another big tank, this time with seals in it, none of which were chained to anything or flopping around in dirty, turtle-shaped pools, thankfully. It's completely blurry--seals swim pretty fast, as it turns out--but I think it's cool, and it's my blog, so here it is:
More big tanks:
A big tank full of electric eels. Note that they are not shrieking eels--those are usually found closer to Guilder than Shanghai and they always grow louder when they are about to feed on human flesh--although the resemblance is uncanny:
This was another cool thing: a voltameter that let you keep track of when the eels were ... electrifying, I guess? Anyway, it would flash red and make a chirping sound whenever it detected electricity, which was pretty neat:
Another cool thing--open tanks. Cool because in America, a country that, let's face, has roughly 96.8 percent more lawyers than it needs, no aquarium would ever have this. Some bad parent would let their stupid kid jump into the tank and get an eye infection or something equally meaningless, and the lawsuits would start flying because the aquarium staff did not prevent aforementioned stupid kid from jumping, despite the fact that this should be aforementioned bad parent's responsibility. But maybe that's just me. Anyway, that's one good thing about China--more of a sense of personal responsibility, which is refreshing. Sort of like jumping into this tank would be on a hot day ...
Another open tank. In the background, you can see a crocodile. Or maybe an alligator--I'm not sure which, and I didn't feel like getting close enough to figure it out:
Yet another cool thing: tunnels!
Still more coolness--an escalator that is surrounded by a pool/tank. (Note to self: find synonym for "cool.") Sadly, the swan or whatever it is would not cooperate with my picture-taking by pulling its head out of its ass (well, ass area), but still--pretty KEEN, don't you think? (Thank you, Merriam-Webster's thesaurus!)
Of course, the fish were pretty SWELL too:
Kissing fish!
Big-ass fish! These are Arapaima, which are apparently the biggest fresh-water fish in the world. They can be almost 10 feet long and weigh over 500 pounds. Like I said, big-ass fish:
Big-ass fish with normal-to-smallish ass diver:
A saw fish. GROOVY!
Jellyfish:
March? What march? How come no one told us?
Horseshoe crabs. Is it just me, or are these things freaky? They remind me of the aliens in the Alien movies, which--for the record--are MARVELOUS movies:
Possibly the ugliest animal ever. Ye gods:
Really big swimming cockroach like things. We were talking about how gross it would be to get dumped into a tank of these things, although--while I obviously wouldn't enjoy it--I think you could get dumped into a tank with worse things:
Like, say, these spider crabs. They're big AND look like spiders--so basically, being in the tank with them would be like being surrounded by spiders that have legs that are two-feet long. I mean, it would be better than being in a cave with Shelob, but not much better ...
And now, the big finale--it's actually the last thing in the aquarium---the sharks. Which, of course, is what makes the museum so DANDY:
As with some of the other sections, you are actually in tunnel in the shark-part of the aquarium, so they are swimming all around you:
(Side note: If you pay enough you can, apparently, swim with the sharks. Feel free to make your own joke about the "price" and "arms and/or legs" now.)
Sharks need braces, too, apparently:
Sharks! Sharks! Sharks! Sheila shark saw Sally selling sea shells by the sea shore and snacked silently on Sally but spit out Sally's sea shells onto the sea shore. Would you believe I just made that up?
Q. Two Feet.
A. What is "As close as ever want to get to a live shark."
And that, my friends, is the Shanghai Ocean Aquarium. Pretty HUNKY-DORY, don't you think? In fact, you might even say it's DIVINE, although just saying it's cool is, well, you know ... cooler.
3.27.2006
Find your answers here.
As I mentioned once before, I have a page stats tool for my site that keeps track of all sorts of things: how people get to my site, where they live, what search terms they use, etcetera. While I find all this stuff pretty interesting, what surprises me most about it is how many people stumble upon my site while looking for something either completely random or something that has absolutely nothing to do with my site. Like, for example, the person from New Jersey who found my site last week by searching on Google for "big cock." (For the record, I should point out that's a link to another one of my posts, so there's nothing bad. Except puns. Sorry.) I bet you weren't looking for pictures of a gigantic ice rooster, were you, Jersey? I didn't think so. Oh, and while we're talking--get a new computer. A monitor set at 800 x 600 resolution? What year is this, 1995? Really, it's just embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as being from New Jersey, but we can get into that some other time.
Anyway, as a public service to all the people who get here without meaning to, I've decided to answer all of your most frequently-asked questions (as far as I can tell, anyway) in one post, thereby saving everyone a lot of time. Well, at least if you came here looking for answers to one of the questions below. Everyone else's time is just sort of being wasted. Sorry about that, everyone else. As for those of you looking for answers, don't you feel bad you're wasting everyone else's time? You should. But still, since I am a kind, gentle, Christian soul, I have decided to answer your questions anyway, so here we go ...
Anyway, as a public service to all the people who get here without meaning to, I've decided to answer all of your most frequently-asked questions (as far as I can tell, anyway) in one post, thereby saving everyone a lot of time. Well, at least if you came here looking for answers to one of the questions below. Everyone else's time is just sort of being wasted. Sorry about that, everyone else. As for those of you looking for answers, don't you feel bad you're wasting everyone else's time? You should. But still, since I am a kind, gentle, Christian soul, I have decided to answer your questions anyway, so here we go ...
:: Lacoste Real or Fake? (Also known as "Where can I buy a fake Lacoste?" or "How to tell a real Lacoste")
There's a very easy way to tell if you have a real Lacoste. First, pick up the shirt. Good. Now, look around you. Are you in a Lacoste store or a high-end mall? If the answer is yes, then congratulations--you have yourself a real Lacoste! If the answer is no, are you in a shady market in an Asian country? If the answer is yes, then you have a cheap counterfeit that will fall apart in approximately three of four months because the shirt, like EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE MARKET, is fake, despite what the no-doubt very honest shopkeeper is telling you.
Update: Since so many of you continue to be obsessed by the real or fake Lacoste dilemma, I have decided to take a bold step and actually offer useful advice. For starters, the advice above still stands. If you are in a market and surrounded by fake stuff, the Lacoste is fake. I'm sorry to disappoint all you people who found a "real" Gucci bag at Chinese market (note that Gucci does not actually make any handbags in China), but everything in the markets is fake. In Shanghai, it is possible, in certain stores that shall remain nameless, to find real Lacoste clothes, but I will not tell you where. Sorry. (Plus, the real Lacoste shirt I am currently looking at says it was made in Peru, so I'm not sure why China would have more of them around than anyone else.) That being said, there are some easy ways to tell. First, the fabric. Real Lacoste shirts have nice fabric: it's soft and sort of stretchy. Fake Lacostes do not. They are rough and seem to have more in common with burlap than cotton. Second, the tags. If the tag looks bad--some of the fake Lacostes here have terrible tags with crocodiles that look like they are suffering from elephantitis--it's fake. Also, Lacoste sizes are numbered, so if yours says L, XL, whatever, it's fake. It should also have a tag behind the Lacoste tag that says it was designed in France and made somewhere else, since the French only work like 30 hours a week, which doesn't leave them with time to do anything but bitch about how every other country is doing something and/or everything wrong. The better fakes (by better I mean faked better, not better quality) will have this tag, the really bad ones won't. (Interestingly enough, however, on a real Lacoste tag, the word Lacoste does not have an R / restricted symbol, but the fake ones always do.) Third, the washing instructions, which are the big give-away. They should be on a tag on the inside of the shirt (along one of the seams) near the bottom. It will say what it's made out of and how to clean it. I have yet to see a fake shirt with washing instructions, so that's your best bet. But remember, if you want a real Lacoste, it's cheaper to suck it up and go drop 70 bucks at the store than it is to fly to Asia to buy one for five bucks ..
:: Lyrics to Ice, Ice Baby / Music to Ice Ice Baby
Really? REALLY? Look, I feel you--I had a copy of To The Extreme ... in 1990. Why do you want to know this? Were you just rolling in your 5.0 with your ragtop down so your hair could blow and wondering how many times "Ice, Ice Baby" repeated in the chorus? I know you didn't hear it on the radio, because no one plays it. And as for the television, MTV actually banned the video and promised never to play it again. And to care enough about the words to actually look them up on the Internet ... I don't even know what to say, except "sad" in all capitals: SAD. As for the music, it was originally from the Under Pressure by Queen featuring David Bowie, which is obviously a much better song. (Do I even have to say that?) Of course, when Vanilla was sued for using the song without permission, he said it was a coincidence, despite the fact that the music sounds exactly alike in both tracks because it is, in fact, exactly the same. You know what this makes Vanilla Ice? It makes him almost as stupid as you. I bet you didn't figure that out, did you? Of course you didn't. Do you know why? Because you're STUPID. I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you? Of course you didn't ...
:: You and Me Baby Aint (sic) Nothing But Mammals
The song you are looking for is "Mammals" by the Bloodhound Gang. If you aren't looking for it as some sort of joke, or possibly as part of some strange, music-based scavenger hunt, let me tell you a little secret: it's a crappy song. Compared to the Bloodhound Gang, Vanilla Ice is the Beatles, and the rest of us are dummer (evidence!) for even having to think about the aforementioned song. So to those of you who are here looking for something about that song, I have one piece of advice: remember to breathe.
:: Hooters / How to Date Hooters Girls
A word to the (un)wise: If you need to look this up how to do this on the Internet, you will never get a date with a Hooters girl. You might, however, be interested in this next question ...
:: Sex Massage / Shanghai Sex Massage / Beijing Sex Massage
If you are so naive and/or clueless as to not be able to figure this one out for yourself, I don't think you're going to be able to find the help you want on the Internet. Good luck with that though, and remember, if it doesn't work out--and based on what little I know of you, I feel confident in guessing that it won't--you can always go check out the girls at Hooters. (See above.)
:: Pictures of Public Urination
Good news, you're in luck! You're also a complete freak, but at least you're a lucky complete freak, which is something, I guess. Although, you know, not much ...
(Dear complete freak: f you want to feel better about yourself, here's the complete pee post so you can pretend you're reading something instead of just looking at a picture of someone peeing in public.)
So there you go--answers to all your questions. Or at least, all the answers you're getting from me. As for the rest of you--I guess I should just start calling you "the smart ones" or something--we'll return to our regularly schedule brand of witty yet insightful blogging sometime very soon, don't worry. I'm sure you're not. You're the smart ones, after all ...
3.22.2006
Employment.
When you have a country of 1.3 billion or so, there are a lot of people who need jobs. The problem, of course, is that there just are not a lot of jobs to be had. Or at least, not a lot of good jobs. This isn't a new revelation for me, since everywhere you look around here, you see people engaged in some sort of useless and/OR pointless employment--guys who seem to spend their days planting and replanting the trees on the street outside our apartment, I'm looking at you--but the fact was brought home yet again last weekend when I went to eat brunch at Xintiandi and saw this ... person:
Nice outfit, don't you think? The first time I walked by, I didn't even notice that it was a person: I thought it was just some sort of billboard because the front of the red "hat"--I use that word loosely here, obviously--didn't appear to have a way to look out. (You're looking at the back of the person here--you can tell by the feet--but trust me when I say he/she looked exactly the same from the front.)
As for what they are supposed to be, your guess is as good as mine. Simply Life is a home furnishings store here in Shanghai--sort of like Crate & Barrel--so I guess the person is supposed to look like ... a lamp? A floor? Beats the hell out of me. Other things about this scene that beat the hell out of me: How do you go about getting this job? Do you reply to an ad that says "Wanted: Person to stand for hours on end in a nonsensical suit that you can't see out of. No experience necessary." How desperate do you have to be to respond to such an ad? And if you do get the job, do you actually tell your friends and family about it, or do you make up some excuse--you're sick, you have errands to run, you have to do your hair, etc.--for why you can't do anything Sunday afternoon and then take solace in the fact that, since you have a red hat-like object covering your face, no one will be able to recognize you?
Of course, the important part is how it looks on your resume: "Solely responsible for executing marketing campaign designed to increase visibility of and draw increased foot traffic into company's flagship store." Actually, when you put it that way, I guess it doesn't sound so bad. I wonder how much it pays ...
Nice outfit, don't you think? The first time I walked by, I didn't even notice that it was a person: I thought it was just some sort of billboard because the front of the red "hat"--I use that word loosely here, obviously--didn't appear to have a way to look out. (You're looking at the back of the person here--you can tell by the feet--but trust me when I say he/she looked exactly the same from the front.)
As for what they are supposed to be, your guess is as good as mine. Simply Life is a home furnishings store here in Shanghai--sort of like Crate & Barrel--so I guess the person is supposed to look like ... a lamp? A floor? Beats the hell out of me. Other things about this scene that beat the hell out of me: How do you go about getting this job? Do you reply to an ad that says "Wanted: Person to stand for hours on end in a nonsensical suit that you can't see out of. No experience necessary." How desperate do you have to be to respond to such an ad? And if you do get the job, do you actually tell your friends and family about it, or do you make up some excuse--you're sick, you have errands to run, you have to do your hair, etc.--for why you can't do anything Sunday afternoon and then take solace in the fact that, since you have a red hat-like object covering your face, no one will be able to recognize you?
Of course, the important part is how it looks on your resume: "Solely responsible for executing marketing campaign designed to increase visibility of and draw increased foot traffic into company's flagship store." Actually, when you put it that way, I guess it doesn't sound so bad. I wonder how much it pays ...
3.20.2006
Sign language 8.
I was in a cab the other day and I noticed something funny on the sign with all the taxi rules and regulations that is posted in the back of the cab for the passengers to read. The funny thing about it was--I mean, besides the sign itself, which is funny, but a different funny--that we take taxis from this company all the time, and in the nine months or so we've been in Shanghai, I'd never noticed it until this weekend. I think it's because the sign in question is behind the driver, and since I usually let Holly get in taxis first (partially because I'm just that polite, but mostly because that way she can tell the taxi driver where we're going and I don't have to worry about it), I don't ever actually get the chance to read the sign.
Anyway, one half of the sign basically just lists what the driver has to do, things like not smoking, not talking on his cell phone, and obeying traffic laws, all of which are--of course--routinely ignored. Particularly the last one, since, as far as I can tell, the only actual traffic law here in China is that you shouldn't run red lights ... unless it has been less than 10 seconds or so since the light turned red, in which case you can just ignore it and continue right on through the intersection. As for the other half of the sign, it lists the rules of the cab, things like not hassling the driver, and so on. However, my favorite "rule" was, without a doubt, this little gem, which has been slightly photoshopped because I couldn't get it all in the picture otherwise. Although I guess since I don't actually own Photoshop, I should maybe say it has been Paint Shop Proed. Or something. Whatever--here's what the sign said:
(Side note: Very reminiscent of the "deformed man" sign, don't you think?)
So remember, if you come to Shanghai and are either a psycho, a drunkard, or--God forbid--a psycho drunkard, don't get into a cab without your guardian! Of course, how the cab driver would know a psycho just be looking at him or her--assuming they weren't either foaming at the mouth or wearing a fully-buckled straight jacket--I have no idea, but it would be fun to see a cab driver throw someone out of the cab for being, well, a psycho. Or at least try to. Maybe next time we go somewhere I'll scream and spit a lot, possibly even wear one of those Hannibal Lector style faceguards, just to see what happens. Maybe. But, you know, probably not.
Anyway, one half of the sign basically just lists what the driver has to do, things like not smoking, not talking on his cell phone, and obeying traffic laws, all of which are--of course--routinely ignored. Particularly the last one, since, as far as I can tell, the only actual traffic law here in China is that you shouldn't run red lights ... unless it has been less than 10 seconds or so since the light turned red, in which case you can just ignore it and continue right on through the intersection. As for the other half of the sign, it lists the rules of the cab, things like not hassling the driver, and so on. However, my favorite "rule" was, without a doubt, this little gem, which has been slightly photoshopped because I couldn't get it all in the picture otherwise. Although I guess since I don't actually own Photoshop, I should maybe say it has been Paint Shop Proed. Or something. Whatever--here's what the sign said:
(Side note: Very reminiscent of the "deformed man" sign, don't you think?)
So remember, if you come to Shanghai and are either a psycho, a drunkard, or--God forbid--a psycho drunkard, don't get into a cab without your guardian! Of course, how the cab driver would know a psycho just be looking at him or her--assuming they weren't either foaming at the mouth or wearing a fully-buckled straight jacket--I have no idea, but it would be fun to see a cab driver throw someone out of the cab for being, well, a psycho. Or at least try to. Maybe next time we go somewhere I'll scream and spit a lot, possibly even wear one of those Hannibal Lector style faceguards, just to see what happens. Maybe. But, you know, probably not.
3.15.2006
We only come out at night.
What only comes out at night, you ask? Vampires? Ghosts? The Smashing Pumpkins (if their song titles are to be believed)? No, LIGHTS. I bet you never would have guessed that, huh? Especially since lights more come ON at night than come OUT, which is lame, I know, but as I like to say when doing pretty much anything, "Whatever--it's good enough." (On a somewhat related note, I'll be looking for a job when we move back to the States--anyone want to hire me?)
However, when the lights do come on, there's no better place to be than standing than on the Bund and looking over at Pudong. I know that sentence doesn’t really make sense, but I liked that it rhymes. Sort of. (See the whole "good enough" thing in the preceding paragraph.) To clarify things ever so slightly, the Pudong side of the river (Pudong actually meaning east of the Huangpu river) is where all the big, shiny new skyscrapers that give Shanghai its very recognizable skyline have been built. And just in case people don't notice them during the day--unlikely, since two of the buildings are among the tallest structures in the world--at night they light them up like ... a Christmas Tree on the Las Vegas Strip. Like a joint at a Bob Marley concert. Like a pile of old newspapers at an arsonist's convention. Like Alderaan after getting blown up by the Death Star in Star Wars, but without all the death and mayhem. Like something that's really, REALLY lit up. Um ... whatever --it's good enough.
Anyway, because I have nothing better to put up here and because we're getting some visitors tonight so I won't be able to post much for the next few days and because I actually like the pictures almost as much as I apparently like run-on sentences, I thought I'd share some photos of the Pudong side of the river lit up like ... you know.
At long last, then, here is the Pudong side. I've mentioned all this before, but the tower on the left, the Oriental Pearl TV Tower, is over 1,500 feet tall, the tower in the center, the Jin Mao Tower (home to the Shanghai Grand Hyatt, if any of you are planning to stay there anytime soon) is close to 1,400 feet tall, and the building on the left that says AURORA across the top does, somehow, turn into like a 15-story tall TV screen at night:
Because things aren't bright enough, this company decided to float a neon-lit barge up and down the river, just to liven things up:
Love this picture. The building on the right is the citigroup building, and, yes, that is a thirty-story kitten on one side of it:
(I still have no idea how they do that, but it puts the Aurora building to shame ...)
Once you get sick of looking at those lights, you can cross the street over to Nanjing Lu, which also features a wee bit of neon:
This is the sign for Ajisen Ramen, a Japanese noodle restaurant I eat at quite a lot. (There's a ton of them in Shanghai, including two very close to our apartment.) If you go, you should get the beef curry with ramen noodles. It's good. Holly thinks the beef curry udon is better, but she's wrong. Definitely go with the ramen--the thinner noodles make all the difference. Seriously:
Holly and my parents make their way down Nanjing:
Pretty crazy, isn't it? In fact, you could even say it's lit up like a ... never mind.
However, when the lights do come on, there's no better place to be than standing than on the Bund and looking over at Pudong. I know that sentence doesn’t really make sense, but I liked that it rhymes. Sort of. (See the whole "good enough" thing in the preceding paragraph.) To clarify things ever so slightly, the Pudong side of the river (Pudong actually meaning east of the Huangpu river) is where all the big, shiny new skyscrapers that give Shanghai its very recognizable skyline have been built. And just in case people don't notice them during the day--unlikely, since two of the buildings are among the tallest structures in the world--at night they light them up like ... a Christmas Tree on the Las Vegas Strip. Like a joint at a Bob Marley concert. Like a pile of old newspapers at an arsonist's convention. Like Alderaan after getting blown up by the Death Star in Star Wars, but without all the death and mayhem. Like something that's really, REALLY lit up. Um ... whatever --it's good enough.
Anyway, because I have nothing better to put up here and because we're getting some visitors tonight so I won't be able to post much for the next few days and because I actually like the pictures almost as much as I apparently like run-on sentences, I thought I'd share some photos of the Pudong side of the river lit up like ... you know.
At long last, then, here is the Pudong side. I've mentioned all this before, but the tower on the left, the Oriental Pearl TV Tower, is over 1,500 feet tall, the tower in the center, the Jin Mao Tower (home to the Shanghai Grand Hyatt, if any of you are planning to stay there anytime soon) is close to 1,400 feet tall, and the building on the left that says AURORA across the top does, somehow, turn into like a 15-story tall TV screen at night:
Because things aren't bright enough, this company decided to float a neon-lit barge up and down the river, just to liven things up:
Love this picture. The building on the right is the citigroup building, and, yes, that is a thirty-story kitten on one side of it:
(I still have no idea how they do that, but it puts the Aurora building to shame ...)
Once you get sick of looking at those lights, you can cross the street over to Nanjing Lu, which also features a wee bit of neon:
This is the sign for Ajisen Ramen, a Japanese noodle restaurant I eat at quite a lot. (There's a ton of them in Shanghai, including two very close to our apartment.) If you go, you should get the beef curry with ramen noodles. It's good. Holly thinks the beef curry udon is better, but she's wrong. Definitely go with the ramen--the thinner noodles make all the difference. Seriously:
Holly and my parents make their way down Nanjing:
Pretty crazy, isn't it? In fact, you could even say it's lit up like a ... never mind.
3.12.2006
Guard duty.
After leaving a local jazz bar around 11 PM on Saturday night, we decided to drop into a nearby place we recently discovered for some late-night foot massage. It was, as always, nice, although it was hard to stay awake for the last half-hour or so of the hour long massage, since I was kicked back in a recliner and covered with a blanket while having my feet rubbed: not the ideal "stay awake" scenario, I'm sure you'll agree. And now that I think about it, I'm sure the beer I was drinking didn't help either. But yet, somehow, I managed to suck it up and stay awake the entire time.
That is, unfortunately, more than I can say about the two guys "guarding" the entrance to the building with the massage place, as we discovered while leaving the building just after midnight:
Good work, if you can get it I guess ...
That is, unfortunately, more than I can say about the two guys "guarding" the entrance to the building with the massage place, as we discovered while leaving the building just after midnight:
Good work, if you can get it I guess ...
3.10.2006
Disinformation.
One of the things a lot people ask me about being in Shanghai is what it's like to live in a Communist country. And my normal answer--carefully considered as I drink my Starbucks while walking past KFC on the way back from the Levis store in my local mall--is that, for the most part, it's pretty much the same as living anywhere else, albeit with better Chinese food. Because of this, it's easy to forget just closed off the country has been for how long, and how little most people know about the outside world.
I'm sure it's a product of, shall we say, a lack of accurate Chinese-language information, but I still find it shocking. For example, in my experience, most people here, even college graduates, seem to have no idea who Jesus is. (Don't worry, I haven't suddenly become a missionary or anything--it comes up when trying to explain Christmas to people.) Now I'm not saying Americans are all geniuses or anything--I don't even want to know the percentage of people who wouldn't be able to point out China on a map--but I'm guessing if I said "Buddha" to your average American, I wouldn't be met by a roomful of blank stares. Unless they had been smoking "the Buddha," in which case I would almost definitely be met by a roomful of blank stares. And a demand for Cheetos as well, but that's beside the point.
Whatever. The other day I was watching CCTV-9, which is the government-sponsored English-language news and information channel on cable here. It's always pretty funny, since the coverage is, how shall I say, often slanted in one direction? Sort of like Fox News that way, but with less yelling. (And even worse hair, which is apparently possible.) Mostly, I suppose, because there's no side to disagree with in China: today, the Communist Party did this right, kept doing this really well, and planned to start doing that other thing even better than they ever have before! And don't even get me started on the various programs dealing with the "history" of the War of Resistance Against Japanese Aggression, which is always good for a few laughs. I mean, for a war show, at least.
Anyway, there was a news show on, and it was talking about travel insurance. More specifically, how travel insurance is still pretty new in China and not many people buy it. This in itself struck me as odd, for a few reasons: first, as far as I can remember, most Chinese airports seem to have travel insurance desks; second, I only remember the desks because I have seen big lines of people waiting at them, which I thought was funny since, in my experience, almost no one in the US gets travel insurance. Although you would never know that if you were in China, since the next nugget of information the newscaster dropped was that--apparently--98% of all travelers in Western countries purchase travel insurance. Um, okay …
My first reaction was, of course, to laugh about what a complete lie that was. But then I started to wonder why they even said it. Obviously, no foreigner watching would believe that, so was it targeted at Chinese people who know enough English to watch the CCTV-9 news but hadn't been abroad enough to know the information was wrong? Are there really that many people who fall into that category? And if there are, what was the newscast hoping to accomplish? Was it paid for by the travel insurance industry so they could make more money? Is the travel insurance industry part of the government? (Since all the airlines are government run, I would guess that's fairly likely.) The more I thought about it, the more I was surprised--and amazed--by the depth of media control implied in that one throwaway fact. And while it's not very funny (as opposed to, you know, my usual hilarious entries), I do think it's pretty interesting.
Or at least, sort of interesting. After thinking about it for a few minutes, my head, naturally, started to hurt, so I flipped over to our pirated Philippine satellite TV and started watching a Seinfeld rerun:
- Who does this guy think he is?
- I'm Keith Hernandez.
Ha! Good stuff, good stuff …
I'm sure it's a product of, shall we say, a lack of accurate Chinese-language information, but I still find it shocking. For example, in my experience, most people here, even college graduates, seem to have no idea who Jesus is. (Don't worry, I haven't suddenly become a missionary or anything--it comes up when trying to explain Christmas to people.) Now I'm not saying Americans are all geniuses or anything--I don't even want to know the percentage of people who wouldn't be able to point out China on a map--but I'm guessing if I said "Buddha" to your average American, I wouldn't be met by a roomful of blank stares. Unless they had been smoking "the Buddha," in which case I would almost definitely be met by a roomful of blank stares. And a demand for Cheetos as well, but that's beside the point.
Whatever. The other day I was watching CCTV-9, which is the government-sponsored English-language news and information channel on cable here. It's always pretty funny, since the coverage is, how shall I say, often slanted in one direction? Sort of like Fox News that way, but with less yelling. (And even worse hair, which is apparently possible.) Mostly, I suppose, because there's no side to disagree with in China: today, the Communist Party did this right, kept doing this really well, and planned to start doing that other thing even better than they ever have before! And don't even get me started on the various programs dealing with the "history" of the War of Resistance Against Japanese Aggression, which is always good for a few laughs. I mean, for a war show, at least.
Anyway, there was a news show on, and it was talking about travel insurance. More specifically, how travel insurance is still pretty new in China and not many people buy it. This in itself struck me as odd, for a few reasons: first, as far as I can remember, most Chinese airports seem to have travel insurance desks; second, I only remember the desks because I have seen big lines of people waiting at them, which I thought was funny since, in my experience, almost no one in the US gets travel insurance. Although you would never know that if you were in China, since the next nugget of information the newscaster dropped was that--apparently--98% of all travelers in Western countries purchase travel insurance. Um, okay …
My first reaction was, of course, to laugh about what a complete lie that was. But then I started to wonder why they even said it. Obviously, no foreigner watching would believe that, so was it targeted at Chinese people who know enough English to watch the CCTV-9 news but hadn't been abroad enough to know the information was wrong? Are there really that many people who fall into that category? And if there are, what was the newscast hoping to accomplish? Was it paid for by the travel insurance industry so they could make more money? Is the travel insurance industry part of the government? (Since all the airlines are government run, I would guess that's fairly likely.) The more I thought about it, the more I was surprised--and amazed--by the depth of media control implied in that one throwaway fact. And while it's not very funny (as opposed to, you know, my usual hilarious entries), I do think it's pretty interesting.
Or at least, sort of interesting. After thinking about it for a few minutes, my head, naturally, started to hurt, so I flipped over to our pirated Philippine satellite TV and started watching a Seinfeld rerun:
- Who does this guy think he is?
- I'm Keith Hernandez.
Ha! Good stuff, good stuff …
3.06.2006
V for ... what?
As I have mentioned numerous times in the past--most recently here--counterfeiting is a little problem in China. (In the same way, for example, that Australia is a little island off the coast of New Zealand.) Recently however, things have gotten slightly ridiculous on the counterfeiting front. I mean, knock-off purses and polos I can understand, since getting the real deal is expensive, but faux fruit? That just seems a little ridiculous, don't you think?
Yes, fake fruit has hit Shanghai. Well, not fake fruit per se--I mean, it's not like the stores are full of wax apples all of a sudden or anything--more fruit with fake labels. More specifically, falsely labeled oranges. A lot of you have probably heard of Valencia or "summer" oranges, and most of you have probably bought one at some point, whether or not you actually knew what type of orange you were buying. The point is that Valencia oranges are both fairly common and pretty popular, which makes this all the more amusing:
(Side note: This has been going around some of the China blogs lately--I first read about it on Shanghaiist, but last week was the first time I saw one for myself AND had my camera.)
I can just imagine the people making the labels: "Nalencia, valencia--what's the difference?" So close, but yet so far ...
Yes, fake fruit has hit Shanghai. Well, not fake fruit per se--I mean, it's not like the stores are full of wax apples all of a sudden or anything--more fruit with fake labels. More specifically, falsely labeled oranges. A lot of you have probably heard of Valencia or "summer" oranges, and most of you have probably bought one at some point, whether or not you actually knew what type of orange you were buying. The point is that Valencia oranges are both fairly common and pretty popular, which makes this all the more amusing:
(Side note: This has been going around some of the China blogs lately--I first read about it on Shanghaiist, but last week was the first time I saw one for myself AND had my camera.)
I can just imagine the people making the labels: "Nalencia, valencia--what's the difference?" So close, but yet so far ...
3.02.2006
When animals attack!
There's a spot in People's Square, not far from the back of the Shanghai Museum, where people gather to feed the pigeons. Or maybe the pigeons gather to be fed by the people, I'm not sure--it's one of those chicken/egg things, like whether or not Adam and Eve had navels, that you can never really answer satisfactorily. Anyway, the point is that, whatever the case, the spot in question always has both a lot of people and a lot of pigeons. As well as a person with a cart selling bags full of bread crumbs, which I suppose also contributes to the problem, but whatever.
(Side note: People's Square is the Shanghai equivalent of Tiananmen Square, except instead of concrete and tank tracks it has lots of grass, an underground shopping mall, and three nice new museums, including the coolest urban planning museum ever built. And sure, it's the only urban planning museum I've ever been to, but I'm pretty confident that a cooler one doesn't exist, mostly thanks to the massive scale model of Shanghai that makes the Map Room in Raiders of the Lost Ark look like a kid's toy, which is a lame comparison but it's the best I've currently got. Naturally, I do have some planning museum pictures, that I will definitely post, like so many other things, at some point ...)
But moving on. With so many pigeons around, things can get out of control pretty fast, as a little girl found out the last time I was walking through the park. Here she is happily feeding the pigeons:
And here she is about ten seconds later, significantly less happy since the pigeons seemed to have figured out en masse that she was dropping food everywhere and it was all available for the eating:
The crying--not pictured--started immediately after this, as you might imagine.
On a slightly different note, a few minutes later we walked by a pretty nice restaurant near People's Square, and I happened to notice that pigeon was on the lunch menu. Now I'm certainly not saying there's a connection between that and the hundreds of plump, succulent, well-fed pigeons hanging out every day almost right outside the restaurant's front door, but it is a little suspicious, don't you think? Yeah, me too ...
(Side note: People's Square is the Shanghai equivalent of Tiananmen Square, except instead of concrete and tank tracks it has lots of grass, an underground shopping mall, and three nice new museums, including the coolest urban planning museum ever built. And sure, it's the only urban planning museum I've ever been to, but I'm pretty confident that a cooler one doesn't exist, mostly thanks to the massive scale model of Shanghai that makes the Map Room in Raiders of the Lost Ark look like a kid's toy, which is a lame comparison but it's the best I've currently got. Naturally, I do have some planning museum pictures, that I will definitely post, like so many other things, at some point ...)
But moving on. With so many pigeons around, things can get out of control pretty fast, as a little girl found out the last time I was walking through the park. Here she is happily feeding the pigeons:
And here she is about ten seconds later, significantly less happy since the pigeons seemed to have figured out en masse that she was dropping food everywhere and it was all available for the eating:
The crying--not pictured--started immediately after this, as you might imagine.
On a slightly different note, a few minutes later we walked by a pretty nice restaurant near People's Square, and I happened to notice that pigeon was on the lunch menu. Now I'm certainly not saying there's a connection between that and the hundreds of plump, succulent, well-fed pigeons hanging out every day almost right outside the restaurant's front door, but it is a little suspicious, don't you think? Yeah, me too ...
