Me and Chairman Mao
  Find your answers here.
As I mentioned once before, I have a page stats tool for my site that keeps track of all sorts of things: how people get to my site, where they live, what search terms they use, etcetera. While I find all this stuff pretty interesting, what surprises me most about it is how many people stumble upon my site while looking for something either completely random or something that has absolutely nothing to do with my site. Like, for example, the person from New Jersey who found my site last week by searching on Google for "big cock." (For the record, I should point out that's a link to another one of my posts, so there's nothing bad. Except puns. Sorry.) I bet you weren't looking for pictures of a gigantic ice rooster, were you, Jersey? I didn't think so. Oh, and while we're talking--get a new computer. A monitor set at 800 x 600 resolution? What year is this, 1995? Really, it's just embarrassing. Almost as embarrassing as being from New Jersey, but we can get into that some other time.

Anyway, as a public service to all the people who get here without meaning to, I've decided to answer all of your most frequently-asked questions (as far as I can tell, anyway) in one post, thereby saving everyone a lot of time. Well, at least if you came here looking for answers to one of the questions below. Everyone else's time is just sort of being wasted. Sorry about that, everyone else. As for those of you looking for answers, don't you feel bad you're wasting everyone else's time? You should. But still, since I am a kind, gentle, Christian soul, I have decided to answer your questions anyway, so here we go ...

:: Lacoste Real or Fake? (Also known as "Where can I buy a fake Lacoste?" or "How to tell a real Lacoste")
There's a very easy way to tell if you have a real Lacoste. First, pick up the shirt. Good. Now, look around you. Are you in a Lacoste store or a high-end mall? If the answer is yes, then congratulations--you have yourself a real Lacoste! If the answer is no, are you in a shady market in an Asian country? If the answer is yes, then you have a cheap counterfeit that will fall apart in approximately three of four months because the shirt, like EVERYTHING ELSE IN THE MARKET, is fake, despite what the no-doubt very honest shopkeeper is telling you.

Update: Since so many of you continue to be obsessed by the real or fake Lacoste dilemma, I have decided to take a bold step and actually offer useful advice. For starters, the advice above still stands. If you are in a market and surrounded by fake stuff, the Lacoste is fake. I'm sorry to disappoint all you people who found a "real" Gucci bag at Chinese market (note that Gucci does not actually make any handbags in China), but everything in the markets is fake. In Shanghai, it is possible, in certain stores that shall remain nameless, to find real Lacoste clothes, but I will not tell you where. Sorry. (Plus, the real Lacoste shirt I am currently looking at says it was made in Peru, so I'm not sure why China would have more of them around than anyone else.) That being said, there are some easy ways to tell. First, the fabric. Real Lacoste shirts have nice fabric: it's soft and sort of stretchy. Fake Lacostes do not. They are rough and seem to have more in common with burlap than cotton. Second, the tags. If the tag looks bad--some of the fake Lacostes here have terrible tags with crocodiles that look like they are suffering from elephantitis--it's fake. Also, Lacoste sizes are numbered, so if yours says L, XL, whatever, it's fake. It should also have a tag behind the Lacoste tag that says it was designed in France and made somewhere else, since the French only work like 30 hours a week, which doesn't leave them with time to do anything but bitch about how every other country is doing something and/or everything wrong. The better fakes (by better I mean faked better, not better quality) will have this tag, the really bad ones won't. (Interestingly enough, however, on a real Lacoste tag, the word Lacoste does not have an R / restricted symbol, but the fake ones always do.) Third, the washing instructions, which are the big give-away. They should be on a tag on the inside of the shirt (along one of the seams) near the bottom. It will say what it's made out of and how to clean it. I have yet to see a fake shirt with washing instructions, so that's your best bet. But remember, if you want a real Lacoste, it's cheaper to suck it up and go drop 70 bucks at the store than it is to fly to Asia to buy one for five bucks ..

:: Lyrics to Ice, Ice Baby / Music to Ice Ice Baby
Really? REALLY? Look, I feel you--I had a copy of To The Extreme ... in 1990. Why do you want to know this? Were you just rolling in your 5.0 with your ragtop down so your hair could blow and wondering how many times "Ice, Ice Baby" repeated in the chorus?
I know you didn't hear it on the radio, because no one plays it. And as for the television, MTV actually banned the video and promised never to play it again. And to care enough about the words to actually look them up on the Internet ... I don't even know what to say, except "sad" in all capitals: SAD. As for the music, it was originally from the Under Pressure by Queen featuring David Bowie, which is obviously a much better song. (Do I even have to say that?) Of course, when Vanilla was sued for using the song without permission, he said it was a coincidence, despite the fact that the music sounds exactly alike in both tracks because it is, in fact, exactly the same. You know what this makes Vanilla Ice? It makes him almost as stupid as you. I bet you didn't figure that out, did you? Of course you didn't. Do you know why? Because you're STUPID. I bet you didn't see that one coming, did you? Of course you didn't ...

:: You and Me Baby Aint (sic) Nothing But Mammals
The song you are looking for is "Mammals" by the Bloodhound Gang. If you aren't looking for it as some sort of joke, or possibly as part of some strange, music-based scavenger hunt, let me tell you a little secret: it's a crappy song. Compared to the Bloodhound Gang, Vanilla Ice is the Beatles, and the rest of us are dummer (evidence!) for even having to think about the aforementioned song. So to those of you who are here looking for something about that song, I have one piece of advice: remember to breathe.

:: Hooters / How to Date Hooters Girls
A word to the (un)wise: If you need to look this up how to do this on the Internet, you will never get a date with a Hooters girl. You might, however, be interested in this next question ...

:: Sex Massage / Shanghai Sex Massage / Beijing Sex Massage
If you are so naive and/or clueless as to not be able to figure this one out for yourself, I don't think you're going to be able to find the help you want on the Internet. Good luck with that though, and remember, if it doesn't work out--and based on what little I know of you, I feel confident in guessing that it won't--you can always go check out the girls at Hooters. (See above.)

:: Pictures of Public Urination
Good news, you're in luck! You're also a complete freak, but at least you're a lucky complete freak, which is something, I guess. Although, you know, not much ...

(Dear complete freak: f you want to feel better about yourself, here's the complete pee post so you can pretend you're reading something instead of just looking at a picture of someone peeing in public.)

So there you go--answers to all your questions. Or at least, all the answers you're getting from me. As for the rest of you--I guess I should just start calling you "the smart ones" or something--we'll return to our regularly schedule brand of witty yet insightful blogging sometime very soon, don't worry. I'm sure you're not. You're the smart ones, after all ...

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